a beloved holiday story…
FADE IN:
ARLINGTON MEMORIAL BRIDGE OVER THE POTOMAC RIVER—NIGHT
A hulking figure in a dark overcoat is crossing the bridge, slogging along aimlessly, gaze lowered. It’s snowing hard but he’s oblivious. He stops to stare down at the water dotted with floating ice, desperate, trying to decide whether to act. He leans over, glances furtively around, hunches himself as if about to jump, then hesitates, unsure.
“Donald!”
The figure in the overcoat turns to see, not ten feet away, a tiny man with a pointy goatee and glowing eyes beneath a top hat.
“Who are you?” asks Donald.
“I’m Seymour, your guardian angel.”
“Sent from above?”
“No, sent from below.”
“By the Big Guy himself?”
“Almost. By Lucifer, his chief of staff. I’m a dark angel. That is, a dark angel Second Class. Coming here to encourage you is how I can earn my horns.”
Donald groans. “I’m such a failure.”
“Nonsense. Get hold of yourself, man. Your obscene presidency is everything the Big Guy could ever want, corroding U.S. government institutions and striking at the very heart of democracy. You’ve told thousands of lies in just two years, not including your delusions, flip flops and contradictions. On top of that, you repeat the lies of others again and again. All of us below are awed. What you’ve achieved is disgusting!”
“Not entirely. The Washington Post fact checker claims five per cent of my statements are true.”
“That many? Well, get over it. Nobody’s perfect.”
“I’m perfect.”
“That’s the stuff. Another stunning whopper. Keep it up. Your assertions about the great things you’ve done are extraordinary bullshit, lifting our spirits after eight years of Obama.”
“You know he wasn’t born in this country—he’s a Muslim. I saw Muslims on TV celebrating in New Jersey after 9/11.”
“Yes, yes, that’s the spirit. Let’s hear more.”
“I didn’t want to go into Iraq. We have the greatest economy in history. We pay most of the cost of NATO. The fake news media are America’s greatest enemy. The New York Times covered the election so badly they were forced to apologize. I signed more bills than any other president in my first six months in office. The families of shooting victims are in my thoughts and prayers. Everybody wants to be my chief of staff. Kim jong-un is a beautiful person and North Korea is denuclearizing. Seven million illegal votes caused me to lose the popular vote.”
“You originally said five million; seven is even better.”
“I never said five million.”
“Another fabulous lie. Keep going.”
“My inaugural crowd was the biggest ever. Obamacare covers very few people. Obama had my wires tapped. We’re the highest taxed nation in the world. Mueller is on a witch hunt with conflicts of interest and a staff of angry Democrats.”
“And my personal favorites, your lies about Russia?”
“Russia is a ruse. I have nothing to do with Russia. Democrats colluded with Russia during the election.”
“Your deceit warms me. The Big Guy has a request. As a personal favor, please repeat that crap he loves, about your deals and your intelligence. I’ll record it on my phone.”
“I make the best deals and I’m the smartest person.”
“Such a hoot. And the imaginary border wall?”
“We’ve started building our wall. I’m so proud of it. Mexico will pay for it.”
“So incredibly dishonest. You’ve made reality irrelevant.”
“I try.” Donald shakes his head. “But five percent truth! Where did I go wrong? Sometimes I wish I’d never been born.”
“Seriously? Have a look at what that would be like.”
“What are you showing me, Seymour? Why it’s the Oval Office. And who is that woman in a pants suit behind the desk? It’s…it’s…”
“Yes, Hillary Clinton.”
“Lock her up! Lock her up!”
“There’s no one to say that, Donald, because you were never born.”
“And that woman with her…isn’t that?”
“Yes, the vice president, Elizabeth Warren.”
“Pocahontas!”
“But you aren’t around to call her that. And does this next site look familiar?”
“It’s Fifth Avenue, between 56th and 57th. Where is the Trump Tower?”
“There are no Trump Towers—anywhere—because there’s no Trump. Instead, the building before you is the Stormy Daniels Home for Retired Porn Stars.”
“Oh nohhhh. And what’s this you’re showing me next?”
“A newsroom. Observe closely the woman on her computer.”
“It’s Melania.”
“She’s fashion editor at The New York Times. Took the job because you weren’t there to feed her lies about the paper.”
“What are you saying, Seymour?”
“Despair not, Donald. Can’t you see, your entire life is a wonderful lie? That’s why the Big Guy wants you below, with him.”
“And you’re here to encourage me?”
“Yes. JUMP!”